Your GPS is Stupid and So Are You

2009-10-03T11:33:00.000-07:00

Here's how you know you bought a useless product: when someone questions why you bought it, you have to come up with some wild scenario which would actually necessitate the use of such a product.

Every time I spout off about how stupid GPS is, someone has to open their yap and start explaining to me why it's necessary to have one...

What if you were going out of state and your power went out before you left, so your internet wasn't working and some Iraqis blew the satellites that control your cell phone out of the sky so you couldn't call the hotel to get directions but the missiles didn't hit the GPS satellites? What would you do then, smart guy?

Holy shit! I'm willing to bet $299.99 plus tax on that scenario occurring! Can we end this conversation right now so I can sprint to the fucking Best Buy?!

Unless you're a traveling salesman (and you're not, I know you're not) then you know where you're going 99.99999% of the time you get in your car. These locations make up 99% of the places you drive and you don't need to look up any of them:

- Work
- Grocery store
- Chili's
- The mall
- Friend's house
- Haircut
- McDonald's
- Your mom's house
- Gym
- Oil change
- Wal-Mart

That's it. If you need a computer to tell how how to get to one of these places, you're retarded and you should buy yourself a pet rabbit and sit home all day.

There's just something about an LCD screen and a couple buttons that turns people into drooling apes.

Yes, there is the rare occasion when you might need directions to where you're going. In that case your options are limited. You could buy a map. You could check MapQuest, Google maps, Yahoo! maps, MSN maps, Maps.com or any of the other thousand map sites. You could get customized maps at AAA if you're a member. You could call the place you're going and ask for directions. You could stop at a gas station and get directions. You can even send a text to Google and they'll text the directions right back to your phone.

The nice thing about GPS, though, is that it provides homeless people with an incentive for punching out your windows and looting your car while you're eating at a restaurant.

Carl's Jr. - Portobello Mushroom Burger

2009-09-30T15:50:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone involved in the writing/filming/development of this advertisement dies in a manure fire.

Seriously, I hope that happens.

I can't even watch this thing all the way through anymore. The second I hear the bed-headed, jacket-and-t-shirt, corduroy-and-sneaker-wearing, fuckfaced, asshole, Nicky Katt-lookalike bust out with the, "Alright ladies...", I tap out.

The advertising agency that Carl's Jr. hired for this ad was presumably attempting to make me hungry, preferably for a Portobello Mushroom Burger, right? So, why do I feel like gouging my face with a screwdriver when I watch it?

Let's analyze...

The first guy we see is Johnny Goombatz pouring fries onto a plate. The first thing I think is: who the fuck puts fast food fries on a plate? Any greasy dickpants with half-a-brain knows that when you dump the fries out, they get cold and stale like five times faster than keeping them in the little silo they come in. Why is Goombatz putting all of this fast food on plates? We never get an answer... but I've got my suspicions that I'll address at the end.

Also, we learn from this first shot that he wears a watch, so we know he's successful.

So, Goombatz then enters the "conference room" where we see the product of the ass-end of the douche bag factory. I think there are three other guys in the room, but it's impossible to be sure since the ad agency hired Michael J. Fox to run the cameras and a meth addict to do the editing.

Goombatz greets the other brohams with a hearty, "Alright ladies... here we go, here we go, relax..."

This the point where I'm supposed to relate to the wonderful tapestry of characters in this ad. He called them ladies! He likes to joke around with his friends! He's just like me!

The problem here is that these aren't really his friends. They're his co-workers. I can't relate because the people I work with don't sit around drinking Coke and eating fast food in the conference room after work hours.

The people I work with rush home at 4 o'clock to feed their shitty cats and watch American Idol.

Where in America does this scene really take place? Does anyone work in an office with at least three co-workers who are the same age and sex, working on the same project, at night, eating a meal of fast food and actually enjoy their company? I'm sure 50% of the mouth-breathing retards that watch this ad subconsciously relate to this scenario. I'm also sure that 0% of the mouth-breathing retards who relate to this ad have ever been in a scenario even remotely similar to this.

I'd be willing to wager that 95% of Portobello Mushroom Burgers are eaten behind the wheel of a 1993 Honda CRX with cigarette burns in the upholstery.

Carl's Jr. is patronizing you. They know that even though you're wearing steel-toe boots and a Big Johnson t-shirt, they can convince your dumb ass that you're upwardly mobile just like these jackholes and that you deserve a hamburger like theirs.

So, now the four (or five) douche bags begin the feeding process. But they don't just eat these burgers like normal people. Oh no. There's a special eating process when your dick is as tiny as these assholes. Basically your goal is to eat like you have diminishing motor skills. Here's a guide:

How to Eat a Carl's Jr. Burger Like a Fucking Asshole

Loosen your tie (you're probably not wearing a tie, although if you just bought food at Carl's Jr., you might be wearing a rope around your waist as a belt, so loosen that)
Mess up your hair like you just woke up (if you're eating lunch at Carl's Jr., odds are you did just wake up)
Hold your burger with both hands like you're holding a live bunny.
Open your mouth as wide as humanly possible.
Bite into the burger while making a biting sound effect with your mouth.
Chew your burger in a very exaggerated manner like you just had 3 inches added to your dick.

It seems like the douche baggery has already reached maximum volume, but this ad manages to crank it up to 11.

The dick breath with the glasses now decides that the burger and stale fries they're eating must cost $20! And they all throw in TWENTY DOLLARS!!

Let's hope these assbags aren't working for an accounting firm.

The worst part is that Johnny Goombatz takes the money with a smirk on his face.

Let's back up and evaluate the retardedness of this situation.

Goombatz apparently went out to get food (Carl's Jr. doesn't deliver, even in Doucheland) but didn't take anyone's order, nor did he even say where he was going.
When he returned, instead of just bringing the food to the table, as 100% of the population would have done, he decides to serve it up on some dinnerware.
None of the guys in the room suspect that they're eating fast food. Did they think that their co-worker went to the trouble of going to a nice restaurant, and then decided "ehh, screw it... I'm just gonna get burgers and fries"?
And most importantly, WHY DIDN'T GOOMBATZ JUST SAY IT WAS CARL'S JR.? Was he intentionally trying to rip off his co-workers? If he wasn't trying to rip them off, then why all the secrecy about where the food came from.
Is there any way in hell you wouldn't know that fast food was fast food if someone served it to you on a plate? Soggy fries, smashed, greasy burger -- if you were blind and had a tongue injury caused by a chainsaw, would it take you more than eight seconds to know that this is fast food?

Two final points:

If someone you knew made this much noise with their mouth -- slurping, smacking, drooling, sucking their fingers -- while you were trying to eat, would tell them to shut the fuck up, or would you jump across the table and strangle them with their own tie? Seriously, listen to the amount of disgusting eating noises thrown into this ad. It's nauseating. Are we expected to believe that the lettuce in these burgers is crispy, even after having been picked up, brought back to the office and served on a plate? Seems unlikely.
Pay attention to the camera motion and focus. Notice that it's unsteady, constantly moving, focus coming in and out. What's the point of this? To show you that this is just an informal shoot. It's like these guys were eating Carl's Jr. dinner and since the camera guys happened to be there, they decided to shoot a little footage. It's like you're watching The Real World -- and, in fact, there's about as much reality here as there is in The Real World.

The only thing about this ad the gives me any pleasure is knowing that these four (five?) losers are actually broke-ass actors who were probably thrilled to wear grown-up clothes for an afternoon. I like picturing them giving back their "work" clothes, getting into their 1993 Honda CRX's, and driving back to their tiny, roach-infested apartments in East L.A.

Productivity

Your GPS is Stupid and So Are You

Carl's Jr. - Portobello Mushroom Burger